Super Mom?

Ok- so from the moment I found out I was pregnant I've been nothing but excited and positive. Pregnancy was fun, labor was easy (as easy as labor can be) and parenting has been heaven. When people ask how it's going I'm always fast to smile and say "I love it". And I do. More than anything else in this world. I was put on this earth to be Kennedy's Mommy. But today was... interesting. Today I had a moment or two when I realized- it can be hard. I'm a little lost. And for the first time- I'm admitting it publicly.

Today we did a pretty cool activity to get to know some of our coworkers in other departments a little better. In order for the exercise to work we had to be open and honest. I wasn't sure how it was going to work but I was put with three great ladies- three moms- three working moms. Just by order I went last. After hearing these women, all of which were older than me, talk about their identity as a mother and a full time job holder, it completely changed my route of what I was going to say. I barely got two sentences out before I started to tear up talking about my daughter. I blame part on the hormones- Miss K turned the big 6-months-old today and part on listening to the women before me talk about balancing life and love. I just kind of lost it. I've held a lot of what I said in for the last four months- since I've been back to work full time.

Let me back up. My job is awesome. I hang out with college kids, get paid to go to sporting events and have some phenomenal co-workers. But my job is also just that- a job. It can be time consuming and the fall semester is flat out exhausting. I have after hour meetings and events once or twice a week. Tack on a Saturday football game and with basketball around the corner- my calendar is filling up faster than it did when I was a 21-year-old college student with a dazzling social life. I haven't been home much. I come home at least once a week and Kennedy is already in bed for the night. I find myself begging my husband or mom to text me pictures of her. I've had to rush to work a time or two because I can't put my baby down in the morning to get ready.

I cry. More than I've ever cried before. I know what you're thinking- "what- the tough, hard headed, opinionated girl is- gasp- weak?" Yup- I'm not a fan of it myself. I hate when people see me crack. I was raised by a strong woman and a standup coach- you didn't give up, you didn't let people see you sad and you most certainly didn't let people walk all over you. So the fact that I've cried more in the last three months than I have all the times I've watched Armageddon, Titanic and Fox and the Hound put together is pretty crazy.

So back to today. I found myself sitting in a room with people I've worked with for almost three years and am just now bonding with them over something as silly as- do I spend as much time with my kid as I should. I was kind of hanging on with just a tear or two until I saw these three women tear up listening to me. They made me stop mid sentence to hug me. I lost it. They didn't need to do that. They could have judged me silently or though "what a baby" but they didn't. They affirmed that my overwhelmingness was ok. They were awesome. That's all there is to it. They let me know that it's ok that I'm struggling with identifying myself between career woman and mom.

I just feel like I'm missing out on the most important time of my daughter's life. That's silly right? She isn't going to remember this time. She won't know that Daddy dressed her on Friday mornings or Nana Vicki picked her up one or two times a week. So why does it bother me? Why do I care so much? It's because I love my daughter with all my heart and then some.

I'm selfish. I work so hard and so much that when I have a rare free afternoon or weekend- I don't want to share my daughter. I want family time. I want snuggle time. I want Mommy time. I know it annoys some people. I know they don't understand my job and think I'm just overreacting. At first that bugged me and I got frustrated but now- honestly- I don't give a damn. These are the years, months, heck even these days-days that I won't get back. These are the days when she literally lights up when I walk into a room. The days where she fits just right in my lap when she sleeps. The days where Mommy can do no wrong- even if I make her cry because she has to take a bath she stops the second I wrap that big old towel around her. These are the days that make me a mom. I'm so lucky we have so many family and friends close. It's great that we can just jump in the car and see them. But I feel bad when I turn down a girl's night or afternoon outing. I shouldn't right? Girl's nights and birthday parties will always be there but Miss K won't be a baby forever.

I feel like I'm rambling. If you're still with me just hang on a bit longer. I think I have a point somewhere.

The point is life is hard. But in the words of one of my favorite baseball coaches- "It's supposed to be hard, the hard is what makes it great."And it's true. My life is harder than it was a year ago. But my life is also so much greater. I love my husband more now than I did then. I appreciate my days off more now than I did then. I respect my Mom more now than I did then.

I don't want to give up my job- that's not an option. It's the life I chose and I will stick with it. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have my college "kiddos". So before you say "Well this chick just wants her wine bottle AND her glass full" just listen. We've all been there. The grass is always greener.

I'm not looking for pity or affirmation that I'm doing a good job juggling life and work. I know for the most part I am. I just needed to let the wall down a bit. I needed to admit out loud that being a parent and full time worker can be a bit draining.

Super Mom I am not but I'd like to think I'd get a blue ribbon for trying if they were handing them out.

*Thanks to League of Their Own for the great quote.